As a parent, one of the biggest changes is saying goodbye when children go to college, meaning more of the house is left for the parents. The impact of having more free time and the absence of your college student can be monumental, but if approached in a healthy way, there can be advantages.
Tracy is passionate about helping families have the resources, communication and support they need to help their students thrive on campus and in life. Tracy received her bachelor's degree from the University of Oklahoma and returned in 2017 to launch Parent and Family Programs.
The term "empty nester" is defined as when a child leaves the family home to go to college and the parents are now the only people in the house or, for the sake of the metaphor, the nest.
This gives the parents more free time and typically a quieter household, forcing a major life change. If there are still children or people in your home you care for, don't worry. The information below will still help prepare you for the new relationship dynamic with your college student.
Have you been thinking about buying a new couch? Is there a creaky cabinet or something you have been saying you will fix in the house for years? Or do you have a hobby that you used to love before life got in the way? Now’s the time to do it.
This newfound free time can be quiet and odd, but doing things you have been putting off is not only efficient, it is exciting. If you do not have something that you have been putting off, look for some new experiences. Go to the bookstore and find something that excites you. Find a new hobby that relaxes your mind. Create new routines.
While the student oversees how you will be connecting, if major life changes happen after the student goes off to college, tell them. Be fully honest, whether it is good, difficult, or unexpected. It is not easy to have these conversations when you aren’t physically near one another, but it is important. This could be a sickness, divorce, move, job change, or any other family situation. This could also be letting them know when something good is happening in your life. In these instances, just a text saying “I’m doing great, I’m doing this now,” or something of that nature can go a long way.
Here is another possible and common challenge with this new life—shifting and building a new relationship dynamic with your child. Think of your student as the dance lead, you need to let them redefine how you connect and relate with them. This can come in a variety of forms. It can be sending each other funny videos over social media, reaching out every Sunday night as a quick check-in, being a consultant when they need advice, acting as a sounding board when they need someone to listen to their issues, or becoming the safe place they need when they feel homesick or tired. The toughest part of all of this is that the student needs to be in charge. They need to take more responsibility for your connection.
A change this big can have a drastic impact on your mental health. If you feel the need to talk to someone, do it. Whether it is a counselor or a friend, share your feelings.
If you need to cry, cry! In this case, it is important to put the oxygen mask on yourself first and to take care of yourself even as you are trying to support your student through their transition. Sharing with your student the new things you are doing to take care of yourself can help them feel like you are doing okay and can ease their anxiety.
When your student is visiting home keep in mind things may be different than before. Meals will look different. Your time together will be different. Some family traditions may be different.
In these instances, especially, comparison is the thief of joy. Try to not be focused on how things have changed since they’ve been in college. Think about how grateful you are that they are back.
This is just the next step, and it is an exciting one! It feels like it is a big jump but remember you have made it through all the other transitions. Each transition in life can feel like a big jump, but it is just the next step. As college students, they are having so much fun. Do not think about what you are missing and instead, find ways for you to have fun. Think about what their new world looks like now and feel the excitement they are feeling. While this is much easier said than done, embrace the unknown. No parent is ever fully prepared for this change. No matter what new and unexpected experiences or feelings come, find ways to be comfortable with them.
The thoughts that they are never coming home and the move to the new college town is final, are common. Try to focus more on being in the moment and encouraging the student along the way of this new experience. In doing this, it lets them accept the new chapter of your life as well—the new hobbies, the new tasks, or the new trips that you will take. Do this to learn how to embrace the new situations you both will independently have and how to celebrate together.
Learn more about parent and family resources, programs, and opportunities at OU.
